Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.