[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
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Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
This is the one
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
more water
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.