Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

😂😂