Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.