Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.