Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.