Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
You Might Also Like
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.