Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic