Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.