[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
You Might Also Like
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
Art by Pastelkatto
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Found the job I’m suited for
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle