[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
