[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.