[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”