[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You Might Also Like
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”