[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma