Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this post was so formative to me

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?