[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
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I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.