[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
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“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT