Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

A bold strategy

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.