Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
You Might Also Like
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Goodnight 🐶
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.