Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

sometimes we need to be reminded

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Midwest trash talk

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

goldfish mafia

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.