Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
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Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
yea so i messed up lol
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules