Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

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