Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

when a toddler tells a story

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot