[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?