Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Talk about a bad egg

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*