Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”