@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

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@TrueTorontoGirl

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

@UncustomaryHW

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

@dixoterin

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

@OMGSoOverIt

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

@Manglewood

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

@Jjkinky49Jeff

People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.