me: a boat!
me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.