[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.


PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”


the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems



SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”


I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …


I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.


People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.