Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty