Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?