Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges