Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies
Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed
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Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Me: No boys.
Me: No thanks.
lobster christian grey: ‘my tastes are very…..singular’
*opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles
Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles
Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous