Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours