*Deserted Island*

Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies

Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed

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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.


Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.


lobster christian grey: ‘my tastes are very…..singular’

*opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*


The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles


my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making


Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.


“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night


They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people


I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.


her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous