Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.