[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
guys I’m going home
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol