Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

did it work