#DesignFail
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*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.