#DesignFail
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They’re called werewolves.
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
How to properly lift a body
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]