#DesignFail
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
crying
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.