Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
You Might Also Like
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.