Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Social Media and Real life
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.