Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Wednesday
Stop being racist to kettles.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it