Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car