Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute