Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is