Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Dammit Chief not again
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car