Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

is he marrying that labradoodle

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.