Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
The cashier just checked me out.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Just how popey was the pope today?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!