Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me