Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
What’s a Messi?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?