Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Sure. Why not?
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.