Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*