Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.