Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Me redecorating every room in my mind
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.