Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.