Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”