Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.