Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
You Might Also Like
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
the dark web is just a goth google.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?