Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
You Might Also Like
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!