Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

next level snooze

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

Still a very good boi….

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.