Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.