Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].