“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
How tf did it end up there?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
there’s probably a fee though
