Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Was it something I said?

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.