despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.