Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.