@poutinesmoothie
@JohnLyonTweets
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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@JohnLyonTweets
@jonnysun
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
@That_Damn_Duck
Look, I’m not saying it’s you, all I’m saying is that it’s definitely not me.
@samalmightysam
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
@GuyEndoreKaiser
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
@MeetingBoy
I’ve wasted the best years of my life waiting for people to join conference calls.
@JohnFugelsang
Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’
@IamTMoS
I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”
@UltraPunch
It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…
Also you just tried it.
@AnOrangeSNES
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other