If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
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You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?
-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.
Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.