@poutinesmoothie

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@jonnysun

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

@That_Damn_Duck

Look, I’m not saying it’s you, all I’m saying is that it’s definitely not me.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

@MeetingBoy

I’ve wasted the best years of my life waiting for people to join conference calls.

@JohnFugelsang

Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’

@IamTMoS

I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other