@poutinesmoothie

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

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@Sassafrantz

If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.

@Papa_Mex

You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?

-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@sixthformpoet

If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.

@AndyAsAdjective

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

@3sunzzz

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

@3sunzzz

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

@cigarin

I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

@lazerdoov

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

@Shock_Monster

Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.

Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.