@poutinesmoothie
@Sassafrantz
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.
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@Sassafrantz
@Papa_Mex
You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?
-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
@Mike_Bianchi
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
@sixthformpoet
If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.
@AndyAsAdjective
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
@3sunzzz
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
@3sunzzz
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
@cigarin
I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.
@lazerdoov
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
@Shock_Monster
Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.
Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.