Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
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[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Well, that should do it
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Great Canadian literature.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.