Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

trivia

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.