Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.