Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”