Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

I feel it

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.