Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Oops I deleted….
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.