Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
my favorite genre of twitter
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*ernest hemingway voice*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Husband of the year 😂
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking